See Also: Carrie Bradshaw, Liz Lemon

12/5/11 - Excerpt from an email:

So my mom called today while I was in Goodwill, and left a message beginning with, "I hope everything is okay!!" in a panicky voice.  I had to call her back and explain that I was not in danger or hurt just because I didn't answer my phone at 7 pm on a Monday.  I get so frustrated when she acts like that.  I had just emailed her earlier- it wasn't like we hadn't talked for weeks and I could possibly be dead in my own kitchen with my cats eating my eyeballs because that's what happens to 30-something women who live alone.  (Not possible because I don't HAVE cats!  Maybe I should get some...)  Anyway, it just feels so... debilitating, like she thinks I'm incapable of living my own life, and has no idea how I survive on a daily basis without accidentally killing myself in a manner deserving of a Darwin award.  (No doubt I was dead in my own apartment due to starvation- I probably forgot to eat.)

On that note, I managed to spend $40 at Goodwill.  I don't think I've ever spent that much there, even on Halloween.  I've just been tired of every piece of clothing I own, and also realized that I had gotten rid of most of my winter clothes during my last "I hate my wardrobe phase" sometimes last spring.  No sweaters at all now- zero.  Goodwill to the rescue!   I even found a black dress I liked that I could wear should I get invited to anything semi-formal over the holidays.  (Strangely enough, it's made by The North Face, the company famous for their quality outdoor apparel.  How very un-girly of me to buy a dress from a business known more for their mittens and puffy winter coats.  It even has a hidden zippered pocket- for my hunting knife, I presume.)  It occurred to me while watching "Bridesmaids" yesterday with Brooke that I didn't own a single dress and haven't for several years.  "Dressing up" typically means digging out my one black skirt and attempting to find something to go with it that isn't a t-shirt or a tank top.

Two Chicks at the Same Time

(Another email to Bronwen)

Here is the writing project I've been working on, a list based on my dad's "Office Space" question.  It quickly transitioned into "What would I do if I had a lot of money?" but I still like how it turned out. 

 I am working on taking some if those big ideas and making them possible in everyday life.  (Ex. Maybe take more mini-road trips, or picking out some "new"sweaters and jeans from Goodwill, or breaking out my old yoga VHS tapes.) What things on the list are actually within reach NOW?   Do I have to be rich to have a secluded house, matching furniture, and a karaoke machine? Maybe.  Do I need tons of money to exercise or write?  No. 

What Would I Do If Money Was No Object?

Forget generic answers of “I’d travel,” “I’d sleep in”, or “I’d spend more time with friends.” Of course I’d do all those things.  What else?

I would own a wardrobe I love that is 95% non-work-appropriate.

Or, I would work for fun at a job where those clothes WERE appropriate.

I would be slightly higher maintenance.  I would own more jewelry.  I would get my hair trimmed every 6-8 weeks, as recommended.  I would spend the million dollars required to turn my hair back to blonde, so I can stop literally dreaming about it once a week.  Maybe I’d get extensions, since I am too impatient to let my hair grow out on its own.

I would take up a hobby that was all-consuming, something that requires numerous games, practices, or rehearsals that’d I’d never have to miss because I had to work or couldn't pay the dues.  Theater.  Burlesque.  Roller derby.  Maybe I'd play volleyball again.  I would prove that it’s not always a lack of commitment or attention span keeping me from continuing the activities I enjoy.  (Editor's note:  Although sometimes it is.)

I’d live in a big house where I could take up a new LOUD hobby that I'd be bad for a long time, like the guitar, or the harmonica. Maybe I’d buy a karaoke machine.  I’d have a loud stereo system and surround sound TV. 

"Turn it UP!!!"

More hobbies- expensive ones (to me):  Yoga classes. Skiing.  A climbing wall membership.

I'd have insurance, and I'd keep up on all annual visits and checkups for the dentist, optometrist, dermatologist, PCP, etc.  When the commercials say "Ask your doctor...,"  I wouldn't think to myself, "What doctor?  Do people really have those?"

I’d own an fancy laptop and spend some evenings in cafes, writing for fun.

I’d have an SUV, or another car I could load up with all my outdoor gear, and fit a kayak on the top.  It would be in excellent condition and it would have new tires.  It would never be overdue for an oil change.

I’d have pets- cats or dogs, maybe both, and a place big enough for them to roam free.  I’d be home often enough to pay attention to them.

I would own matching furniture.  MATCHING!

After a long dedication to the gym (to set a good example), I would take personal trainer classes and be a life/fitness coach, a la Bob Harper or Jillian Michaels.  More Bob Harper.

I would take many many road trips (in my awesome SUV that never breaks down).  I would have driven to Indianapolis alone last Friday to see my new favorite band.  I would go see visit my uncle in New York.  I’d make frequent excursions to Trader Joe’s.  

I'd figure out a way to see Saturday Night Live... live.

THE END (for now...)

Lawrence and Peter

“Well, you don’t need a million dollars to do nothing, man. Take a look at my cousin: he’s broke, don’t do shit.”  - Lawrence, Office Space 

(Excerpt from a recent email to Bronwen)

My dad texted me the “Office Space” question today, though I don’t even know if he’s seen that movie.  What would I do if money was not an object?  How would I want to spend my time?  I think he was trying to help me figure out what to do with my life.

I did not go Michael Bolton on him and tell him it was a bogus question, because no would clean up shit for a living if they had a million dollars.  Nor did I channel Peter and say “Nothing… I would do nothing.”

Of course I would do a lot of nothing if money was no object.  I’d travel a lot.  Work out a lot.  Buy lots of toys like kayaks and SUVs.  See the world.  Take my friends.  Eat lots of good food.  Sleep a lot.  Take classes at college for FUN and not because I’m being guilt-tripped into being “responsible” and spending thousands of dollars to get a degree I’ll probably never use.  But that doesn’t really help me decide what to do, because money IS an object.   … On one hand, I like the saying, “Do what you love and the money will follow…” but I’m not sure it’s true when you have real bills to pay.

About This Blog:

I enjoy writing.  Blogging on a public site, however, creates a pressure in me to be universally interesting and amusing.  Can't be done.  Instead, I present my thoughts as I would describe them to one of my friends, a good person around whom my words flow easily.  If anyone else enjoys them, that's great.